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5.7.21

The picture is a good 5 years old in PA tbh...

This summer I have been very fortunate to work with some rather fun interns. While I have not been around for most of it, i've gotten to engage them in different ways throughout the past month and a half for some, a month for others.

I got the chance to mentor one of them for the duration of the internship, and they have made me realize just how much things matter; not at all and yet they mean everything.

Last night we went out to dinner to a pseudo Mexican restaurant that is rather popular in the area. We got to catch up a bit regarding how their experience was so far and how much they are learning from the cultural exposure. For some of the interns there are new cultural experiences outside of their own cultures, for some it's new experiences with cultures they thought they knew.

The one intern i've been journeying/growing with asked a challenging question regarding how my life has been shaped. They asked, would I do it again?

Knowing how much pain and abuse I have lived with throughout my life, I would honestly be ok never having have had to live through some things, sexual abuse is never ok, by someone of the same gender can be traumatic as a child, worse when it is both and the abuser is a parent. Dealing with many types of trauma that later in life translated to physical and mental health issues, I could in all honest truth look back and say I did not want it, none of this so called life that people are so attached to...

However it wasn't about my feelings that the question really sought an answer to.

They wanted to know, was it worth being who I am to have gone through all of it... YES!!

I would crawl through every dark corner, I would shed every single tear once more if it meant that I learned what compassion and love truly mean. To know that people who are marginalized and disenfranchised due to their trauma and pain and that time after time they have confided in me and told me about how their outlook was so utterly changed after meeting me... it has all been worth it, every tear, every hurt, every moment I suffered, to even know that someone who felt hopeless and misunderstood know that they were heard, they were seen. To know that I could hold a hand, embrace a body and comfort them like nobody had before... It was all worth it.

1.7.21

So in 2017 I went back to Texas due to not having a job and I had been having a ton of health issues that I just couldn’t keep up with. In the time I was in Texas everything got worse and worse. The breaking point began in the spring of 2018, I was not aware, but I was having absent seizures again and also actual physical convulsions at times. I shattered my left wrist and have so many scars from when I was just falling and having episodes all the time.


I never really had an easy life, I grew up with a lot of abuse, physical/emotional/sexual… I was no stranger to pain or cringe situations. I was angry that everything the people who abused me was always hushed up because a good Christian is submissive… a good christian can put up with abuse for the sake of being abused… or so I was repeatedly told, and they despised the gays.


I grew up with chronic clinical depression, chronic pain, PTSD, etc etc. So when the seizures started back up, I was glad there was brief moments in time when I did not exist, where I did not remember, when I did not feel. It was such a relief. Then in December of 2018, the church I had been at in Ohio called and asked if I could come back. They required my service in several areas, and I agreed. I bought my plane ticket and packed my bags. Little did I know what was in store for me…


Around the first or second week of January I had 2 major strokes, back to back. The first happened one night, the next was the following morning. I have no recollection of any of this mind you, I only know what I was told because I lost 3 months worth of memories… I see pictures and while I see myself in them, I have no idea where I was or what I was doing. I was transferred around 3 hospitals due to needing more and more specialized care, I didn’t remember any of it, and to be honest, I wasn’t curious until my mom moved up here and kept crying every time she would see me, that was last year. But I still came to Ohio on the scheduled date 01/31/2019.


Well 2019 was a year of discovery, then 2020 hit and the pandemic was looming. We finally got the shutdown in the spring and it was glorious. While people complained about gaining weight and struggling with so many issues, mainly anxiety and depression, I was doing sooooo good. I lost weight, my health was pretty much at its peak. In the middle of summer last year, I had to have surgery on my right foot due to some complications and a severe infection that was near the bone, to the point of after the surgery for 5 months they still kept telling me I was at a high risk for an amputation.


My back started feeling a bit better during that time, I had had 4 vertebrae diagnosed with DDD, basically all 4 dead. This past winter after MRIs and a few appointments in the early Spring, my spine specialist said he had no idea how or where I did it, but I only have 2 degenerated disks left, and they are living… the dead stay dead, there’s no way to make bone live again, but you know Ezekiel 37.


A few months ago though, my feet decided to give me sooo much trouble and the right foot one day at work just quite strangely exploded, there was blood everywhere with no explanation, so my employer sent me to the ER… They scheduled for the first day of surgery available, which I had to wait for over a month. They surgically broke both feet and told me that minimally I’d be looking at 6 months unable to walk… I walked from day 1, and it has been painful and a big thing, but I have little swelling left (the swelling is expected to last at least 1 year), and being diabetic, they thought that the actual sutures would require months of care. I had the stitches removed on the third week. I still bled a few times after that, but currently you can barely even see the site. A few days before the surgery though, I was assaulted… because life. They broke my left wrist again, but then 06-22-21 morning they called me to tell me first thing in the morning that I was completely disabled, so I had an appointment scheduled that morning with a hand specialist… they told me the break healed nicely, but the prior break was a problem and I should have surgery for it.


So all this to say, it has been a weird few years, but it is all coming to a very good ending. I don’t have to worry about struggling to work and old wounds have healed. My broken dead bones are alive… honestly, I could never have imagined being so blessed. I’m not even going to talk about the 7 times I’ve flat lined both heart and brain.


11.6.21

It has been a month since I had a bilateral osteotomy... it has been an interesting path to recovery. I am told that the healing is looking like I have been going through it for months now instead of only one month... it has been very painful and sometimes gruesome, but I can see the progress visually.

I feel bad for those who do not believe in the miraculous. My life has not been easy at all and I have many experiences that people could not even imagine... however, I have no doubt there is a God. From death to life, I have literally come back from the dead in many ways, actually flatlining several times, dead bones coming back to life, and most importantly, finding that my dead emotions could be stirred...

If it wasn't for my faith, I would really not be here today. I cannot tell you that all the trouble disappears, but I can tell you that being so loved wrecks you. It is said that when one truly has a religious experience, there is no way of ever really impressing that person again. How much are you willing to give up momentary happiness for an ever present love?

5.5.21

I have never been one to believe in the fake it till you make it way of life, if I'm faking something, it's for your own benefit and you know that I'm really just being supportive because it is who I am. I will be whoever you need me to be, do whatever you need me to do, even when that means harming myself...

Anywho, happy 5 de Aioli to all... I am scheduled for surgery next week, send me all the prayers and cash if you so feel it, I am told I should be bedridden for about 3 weeks (aka no pay for 3 weeks).

if you are wanting to send me something, my CashApp is:

$IAMTKN

just tell me you saw it on the blog.

8.4.21

Well it's been over a month since I last posted, and I'm getting notifications that the subscription is about to renew... So why do I continue to keep this?

Anywho, I am scheduled to have surgery next month and I'm going to be bed ridden 2-3 weeks... not looking forward to it, but it is a necessary step in the right direction. I am also vaccinated now, so I'm just waiting to be considered fully vaccinated in a few days. I am exhausted to no comprehension, and I cannot take this anymore. My brain has become so foggy I hardly know what I'm doing at the moment.

Still I remain knowing that I am loved and watched over, even when I seem like I have no hope left, I am resilient and will survive it all.

20.2.21

Lately I have been in much more pain than normal. It seems that I forgot what the good life was and when it was gone, I was lost.

Thankfully, after 2 excruciating weeks of back pain, I'm not exactly going to say I'm much better, but finally a bit of respite from the physical pain.

EMOtionally, I'm a total mess. Winter is the worst part of the year for many reasons, but mostly around my birthday I'm most prone to be severely depressed and hate everyone. This year proved to be the worst experience yet.

I continue to strive to be a decent being, but sometimes, and rather rarely, I do end up being rather angry and will hate. Honestly, I'm glad to cut certain ties at this point, and I pray I will never have to endure certain people again.

I am out of the hospital, still SARS-CoV-2 free, so at least there's that. A year free from infection todah l'El!

13.2.21

My birthday is in just a few days and honestly, I could be done with this decade already and not be sad about it.

I cannot deal with anything at this moment... I'm in such a terrible state of physical and emotional pain, that I legit just want to give up, checkout, and more importantly check-in into a mental health hospital. Just need some relief, and anything will do at this point.

Anywho, if you are wanting to send me something for my birthday, my CashApp is:

$IAMTKN

just tell me you saw it on the blog.

25.1.21

Well it really has been an interesting beginning to 2021. I have been more aware and really... I know few in my life that are actually good to be around. Mostly I seem to have people that just take and take, mostly there for what I can get them. I really need to grow out of this.

If there is anything worth saving, it is the memories. We are all important to each other in some way, and whatever you have meant to me, I appreciate the opportunity to learn. What I have learned shapes me day to day, but at the base, there's really only one truth to who I am and will always be. I hope that my experience with you has not changed me at that level, for I would not be who you came to enjoy.

Closer and closer the birthday approaches and I am worried I will not do what I have set out to do. May the universe hear my song, a song of liberation, a song of jubilee. May I not willingly be bound again to needless chains. May I bring you light and hope always.

I tend to become everything you may need if I am able to help you along your journey, within reason, but it's time for me to move along my own journey for a while without being weighed down.

23.1.21

I have been back in Columbus for almost 2 years now and in that time, I have had to put up with a lot through the recovery process and with different relationships. People that I once considered friends are now barely people I once met.

Probably the worst of it all was someone I considered a friend but after living with him, cannot stand his gaslighting and victim fragility... he's white so there's the whole white fragility argument that leads me to say victim fragility. He has constantly shamed my culture, done worse with my language, and worse for my community. The thing is, the community he has backstabbed time and time again keeps him around and embraces his unethical behavior, and while I have done nothing to the same effect, the community has chosen to not to deal with him and instead pushed me towards the outer margins where I am at a loss... not the only person that mistreats me, but I'm not here for any of them. I know what my mission is and they are not a part of it.

I dislike having to pay for others broken plates, as they say in Spanish and I have had enough with being yelled at for things that either were not my fault, or worse, did not even involve me at all. I have suffered enough in this world, until when will I need to be held accountable for other's mistakes that really have nothing to do with me? I allow people to assume the worse while it doesn't actually affect me, but it's gotten to the point where I'm actually affected by all of this.

I am looking for relief, not pity, or to run away from my responsibilities. Hopefully this is clear enough... and yes, if you know me, it is exactly who you might be thinking, but unlike him, I have actually spoken with him directly of the issues instead of blabbing all about town to third parties that have little to do with any of it. Sadly, at one point I did all I could to help him and considered him a friend, but now it is clear, he was only looking out for the gain he could attain. Since I stopped supporting his narcissism, I apparently became someone to beat around and accuse of his own mistakes... done with Alex. He does not get to engage with me unless it is necessary.

the #apologetic #steward of my #gifted #life

22.1.21

This month marks the 2 year anniversary of one of the most difficult recovery periods of my life. I lost 3 months worth of memories, so I don't exactly know what happened nor for how long... I had 2 almost consecutive strokes and flat lined for the 7th time.

I cannot express to you how much I know deep down that there is a God I believe in and that I am indeed loved. While flat lined several times, I have heard God's voice tell me I am loved and I am brought back every time... do I wish I stayed? well I don't ever want to come back, there's just no comparing the love in that moment to what people call living.

That has led me to a point in my existence where I no longer sit around tolerating abuse as much. I do take it, but not as much as I did before. To those I've lost because of their own choices, well, it was great spending time with you while we enjoyed each other. I am being more responsible with what I have been given and I'm not going to let others take what little joys I have.

8.1.21

Well it's been about 1 week into the new year and I'm still not done with 2020. Incidentally, I still have Christmas presents from 2019 I have yet to open. With the current state of things, I have not been able to be at peace though. I can't stand most reactions from people who are so aggressive to us POC, but sadly sometimes it is other POC that are the ones to blame. In my particular situation though, it is specific people that are so in your face about how great they are as people and hold what is called a white savior complex. I honestly cannot tolerate it any longer. The idea that I must hold someone in high esteem because I am told to do so... yeah nope.

In the words of someone recently complaining about me this "will not be tolerated". I am so sick of the gaslighting and emotional abuse in general and having to put up with it because I'm me. Sorry y'all don't get the same abuse, please hold the opinion and take a seat. Funny how with one specific roomate another person of a similar cultural background as mine, had similar issues... yeah I guess we are the problem because we are minorities and need to catch up and live the american dream ideals, including learning to love the abuse by our aggressors in the name of character building and/or assimilation.

27.12.2020



Well it's been about 10 weeks... since the last time I wanted to keep up with this and it has been a whirlwind of a time. I quarantined with people who were positive for COVID-19 among other things. Incidentally, I have yet to be infected by the virus at this point.

As we close this year, I am reminded of how ungrateful I can be. I have been pretty fed up with the white savior complex among other toxic traits of western culture. Mostly I have come to question how much I am to blame for perpetuating this type of behavior and how haughty I have been in being "woke".

Some musings from the past month... 16.10.20

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1st new post 15.10.2020



Well it's been a while, but I did away with the old blog and got a this Google Sites setup instead. Now this is my current new entry into the deep end.

It has been a very long time since I have posted anything and I'm currently working on both this: my personal page and blog section, and the other page with different crafts I come up with. The picture for this post is a TBT as today actually is Thursday... No real update for now as I'm trying to figure out how to work on Google Sites. It's basically a document from what I'm gathering, that could be almost any generic publication type of setting with the most basic of options.