Sins of Our Fathers...
Sins of Our Fathers...
I've lived with the nightmare of a life that my dad left for me... sometimes physical, sometimes emotional pain, or both.
Strange, this has not been the worst to bear, for most of my life I bore the name of my transgressor, and it was painful to be called by his name at times, sometimes I freely introduced myself as such out of convenience and to garner enough of someone’s attention to continue a conversation... what made it impossible to stomach was the association with a person I most detested and would more than anything, have given anything to never have graced my life with his presence... most people did not know the history then, nor most don’t know it now...
Often times my mother would hurt me with quips here and there about how much I was like my dad whenever we did not agree or I was trying to explain to her why something was not exactly as she perceived it... granted, I was her star child... I was with her through her education in the US, when it came time to get a GED, I coached her and walked her through the subjects, when she decided to go to University, I was there to help along the way with many sleepless nights and no time for myself, I gave it all up for her and she knew that at the drop of a whim from her, I'd be packed and ready, along with leaving jobs... only to be turned on, I became her least favorite, everything I do is wrong, I’m a big disappointment to her, have been for a long time.
On top of being reminded of the many ways I’m wrong and like my dad, I now have to hear his name over and over. I thought that correcting my name to what was originally to be my name would make things easier, and she wouldn’t have to worry about using my English name which she had used for most of my life. All of a sudden, I was no longer Ralph, I was now Rafael a name I have hated since I can remember. She claims that she cannot call me anything else, but my deadname, it was my dad’s, and his devices, which on occasion he borrowed my identity. Today nearly 2 years since the name correction, she has managed to get most of those who called me Ralph to now do the same... my struggle never mattered, she would always know best as mother. I am constantly shamed by her and hurt with the use of the deadname... most of all, I am shocked that she would also not want to leave behind my dad's legacy. She constantly reminds me that my opinion doesn't matter nor is welcomed. To think of all I have been through and still do not finish to go through because my parents are proud individuals that do not believe in facts or truth.
Well it's been over a year, but it feels more like a millennia... my current state of health is deplorable, but I got to see my family during 2 different trips back to Texas. One included a wedding I did not anticipate being able to attend, the other was a family birthday that I also had not anticipated being a part of, since it's been years since I was around for anybody's birthday.
Wish I had something positive to share, but mostly I only have a truth to share... I am not what is expected, ever... but also I am no foreign alien to what I assumed was my place to be... however, I currently have no place to go nor a place to be. Everything being said and done, I am no special character, nor am I a miracle dealer, and no... I’m not a seer to interpret the fates for all.
I am as I am for I was made by the great I am. Read into that what you will, your mind having been made up to see through your own life lenses, and as such you have known me in the manner that you have or have been creative with my life story.
I'm tired, I’m weighed down, but the story continues, the night only gets darker before a new dawn.
We find ourselves at the end of another year that has flown by so quickly... most of the year I have spent in the hospital and under a lot of medication.
After my las post I had a few surgeries, and a very harsh bout of pneumonia that led me to flat line again... I made it despite the prognosis. Thanks be to God who favors me in any situation. Honestly, between all the medications it has been a year that I have already forgotten, but looking back, I am thankful for the opportunity to grow and be stretched. As I recall the happenings of the year, I am encouraged to continue sharing myself and my story to any who is willing to listen, for they listen for a reason...
I was fortunate to visit my family for a week, and that means that I ate a lot of good food, mostly Mexican. Mostly though, I appreciate the time I got to spend with them, and more importantly, although the majority of the family still used my dead name, my grandmother with her quiet demeanor only called me by my actuao name and not that reminder of my abuser.
Well anyway, I hope that this year has been as evenful for you as it was for me, and I hope to hear your story soon.
I am often asked why I am so open about my story. They tell me that it can't all be true, because nobody is so forthcoming about themselves... I cannot but help think of how frequently we hear the word authentic thrown around. If you are true and sincere, there is no need to advertise yourself as such. you just are.
How freeing is the truth? Well, I spent the better part of 3 decades trying to forget the damage done to me. No easy feat, I was fortunate enough to have faith, perhaps not in humanity, but faith nonetheless. The moment I chose to take that step blindly of speaking the truth, I was met with much resistance, it was unbelievable... they had known my abuser to be a hardworking man who provided for his family. There was no comprehendible way that what I was accusing him of could have ever happened. It took a few years to finally be able to speak of it without it choking me up. I still tear up at times, but to know that he will never get away with it again, to know that his reign of tyranny will never be allowed near my sisters or mother again... that was freeing, not just for me, but for my family.
We never really know someone else's story is due to the things we keep quiet. We cannot presume to understand that which we do not know.
SEE SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING!!!
The year is nearly halfway over and I have no idea what i've done so far.
I know what plans I have for the future, but i'm not sure I can go through with them. I'd like to think I will, but who knows. As of late I have been basically just putting bandaids on deep wounds, and it really is not the ideal situation... I'm not going to defend my actions, I just need to come to terms with myself that I have allowed certain things happen and it's not always someone else's fault, but really just my own for being reckless at times with my time and energy.
The healing is going beautifully and the Dr's are a little surprised, they did want to keep the 6-8 week no weight bearing restriction... but you know me, I couldn't be tied to that wheelchair.
Hope all is well with you, i'm off to read books by an old mentor, may he rest in peace.
I've had quite the interesting start of the year and we're nearing that end of the first half... So in summery, I've had a fall that injured my Right knee and ankle, legally changed my name, had a break to the Right tibia and fibula that led to a rod and some screws put in, and I'm currently wondering what the state of my family is at the current and present time.
The recovery period will take its toll, as the first 2 weeks have been excruciating after the orthopedic surgery that left me with the rod and screws.
I am hoping that by summertime I am able to travel and go see my family in Texas.
Well it's been an interesting start of the year... so much has happened and so little at the same time. however, as they say, it has all been in good measure.
I may have more questions than answers at the present time, but at least these seem to be all the right questions they could not come up with a few years ago.
things in general have become too real too soon, and here I am facing the end of my second year of disability... who knew I would only become more active?
I have recently finally paid the court costs to have my name legally corrected, and I could not be more relieved.
hope anybody reading this is doing well and finding their moments of growth a welcome surprise.
I have spent the better part of the last 3 weeks in the hospital... they can't tell me what it is, but at least we know what it isn't... and let me tell you, it's a relief really. Currently it is dia del amor y la amistad, so greetings to all who I hold near and dear; to those who I don't, well hope you've had a good Monday. Whatever did happen to Monday anyhow?
As this turn of the sun finishes, I am actually feeling rather clear headed as to what I want to see for the next couple of years and what I def need to correct. Presently, I am glad to have experienced this much... hope to see you in the coming days.
well THE ONE ASSISTANT at work is a bully, they are always making fun of my disabilities and issues... I wish for once I could catch a break, but the Bellatrix Lestranges of this world will all choose to be cruel and malicious... well, they're actually funny, but laughing when it hurts... well that's a different kind of trauma. hopefully, this year is different and I can show them that I am just differently abled.
well the year is gone and I have no idea what i've done with it yet again. I spent NYE medicated and sleeping. the one thing I did do on new year's day, was get my paperwork notarized... for as long as I can remember, I have talked about changing my name, and it is finally set into motion. paperwork has been uploaded to the county and should be in the works in the next month. I am freeing myself one next step from the torture that has been the memories of the abuse endured by my biological dad. the name I chose was the name that was actually supposed to be my birthname and i'm dropping his last name to my maternal one only. as I look forward to this coming year, I know it to be the year of transformation, and i'm so excited to see what that means for me and you... after all, for some reason i'm still part of your story, how you have not tired of me, that is beyond me. tanti auguri for us all...
there is nothing that annoys me more than cowards who are quick to throw stones and then look away.
Time sure flies by... Already 2 mos+ at the apartment. Have I unpacked? absolutely not... 1. I hate doing it, 2. I'm lazy, 3. I've been in so much pain, 3. I had new surgery since I moved.
I have been having such a rough time since the move with my back and it's only gotten worse with the season changing, and now that it's consistently cold in the morning... well I can't walk to where I need to. It's such a pain (literally), the cold urticaria has been terribly annoying and it's not winter yet.
Well it's been a couple of months and reality could not be more different since my last update.
I moved to a new place and while I've been there for like 2 weeks, I haven't really unpacked. I hate moving, this time it really hurt me though.
The picture is a good 5 years old in PA tbh...
This summer I have been very fortunate to work with some rather fun interns. While I have not been around for most of it, i've gotten to engage them in different ways throughout the past month and a half for some, a month for others.
I got the chance to mentor one of them for the duration of the internship, and they have made me realize just how much things matter; not at all and yet they mean everything.
Last night we went out to dinner to a pseudo Mexican restaurant that is rather popular in the area. We got to catch up a bit regarding how their experience was so far and how much they are learning from the cultural exposure. For some of the interns there are new cultural experiences outside of their own cultures, for some it's new experiences with cultures they thought they knew.
The one intern i've been journeying/growing with asked a challenging question regarding how my life has been shaped. They asked, would I do it again?
Knowing how much pain and abuse I have lived with throughout my life, I would honestly be ok never having have had to live through some things, sexual abuse is never ok, by someone of the same gender can be traumatic as a child, worse when it is both and the abuser is a parent. Dealing with many types of trauma that later in life translated to physical and mental health issues, I could in all honest truth look back and say I did not want it, none of this so called life that people are so attached to...
However it wasn't about my feelings that the question really sought an answer to.
They wanted to know, was it worth being who I am to have gone through all of it... YES!!
I would crawl through every dark corner, I would shed every single tear once more if it meant that I learned what compassion and love truly mean. To know that people who are marginalized and disenfranchised due to their trauma and pain and that time after time they have confided in me and told me about how their outlook was so utterly changed after meeting me... it has all been worth it, every tear, every hurt, every moment I suffered, to even know that someone who felt hopeless and misunderstood know that they were heard, they were seen. To know that I could hold a hand, embrace a body and comfort them like nobody had before... It was all worth it.
So in 2017 I went back to Texas due to not having a job and I had been having a ton of health issues that I just couldn’t keep up with. In the time I was in Texas everything got worse and worse. The breaking point began in the spring of 2018, I was not aware, but I was having absent seizures again and also actual physical convulsions at times. I shattered my left wrist and have so many scars from when I was just falling and having episodes all the time.
It has been a month since I had a bilateral osteotomy... it has been an interesting path to recovery. I am told that the healing is looking like I have been going through it for months now instead of only one month... it has been very painful and sometimes gruesome, but I can see the progress visually.
I feel bad for those who do not believe in the miraculous. My life has not been easy at all and I have many experiences that people could not even imagine... however, I have no doubt there is a God. From death to life, I have literally come back from the dead in many ways, actually flatlining several times, dead bones coming back to life, and most importantly, finding that my dead emotions could be stirred...
If it wasn't for my faith, I would really not be here today. I cannot tell you that all the trouble disappears, but I can tell you that being so loved wrecks you. It is said that when one truly has a religious experience, there is no way of ever really impressing that person again. How much are you willing to give up momentary happiness for an ever present love?
I have never been one to believe in the fake it till you make it way of life, if I'm faking something, it's for your own benefit and you know that I'm really just being supportive because it is who I am. I will be whoever you need me to be, do whatever you need me to do, even when that means harming myself...
Anywho, happy 5 de Aioli to all... I am scheduled for surgery next week, send me all the prayers and cash if you so feel it, I am told I should be bedridden for about 3 weeks (aka no pay for 3 weeks).
if you are wanting to send me something, my CashApp is:
just tell me you saw it on the blog.
Well it's been over a month since I last posted, and I'm getting notifications that the subscription is about to renew... So why do I continue to keep this?
Anywho, I am scheduled to have surgery next month and I'm going to be bed ridden 2-3 weeks... not looking forward to it, but it is a necessary step in the right direction. I am also vaccinated now, so I'm just waiting to be considered fully vaccinated in a few days. I am exhausted to no comprehension, and I cannot take this anymore. My brain has become so foggy I hardly know what I'm doing at the moment.
Still I remain knowing that I am loved and watched over, even when I seem like I have no hope left, I am resilient and will survive it all.
Lately I have been in much more pain than normal. It seems that I forgot what the good life was and when it was gone, I was lost.
Thankfully, after 2 excruciating weeks of back pain, I'm not exactly going to say I'm much better, but finally a bit of respite from the physical pain.
EMOtionally, I'm a total mess. Winter is the worst part of the year for many reasons, but mostly around my birthday I'm most prone to be severely depressed and hate everyone. This year proved to be the worst experience yet.
I continue to strive to be a decent being, but sometimes, and rather rarely, I do end up being rather angry and will hate. Honestly, I'm glad to cut certain ties at this point, and I pray I will never have to endure certain people again.
I am out of the hospital, still SARS-CoV-2 free, so at least there's that. A year free from infection todah l'El!
My birthday is in just a few days and honestly, I could be done with this decade already and not be sad about it.
I cannot deal with anything at this moment... I'm in such a terrible state of physical and emotional pain, that I legit just want to give up, checkout, and more importantly check-in into a mental health hospital. Just need some relief, and anything will do at this point.
Anywho, if you are wanting to send me something for my birthday, my CashApp is:
just tell me you saw it on the blog.
Well it really has been an interesting beginning to 2021. I have been more aware and really... I know few in my life that are actually good to be around. Mostly I seem to have people that just take and take, mostly there for what I can get them. I really need to grow out of this.
If there is anything worth saving, it is the memories. We are all important to each other in some way, and whatever you have meant to me, I appreciate the opportunity to learn. What I have learned shapes me day to day, but at the base, there's really only one truth to who I am and will always be. I hope that my experience with you has not changed me at that level, for I would not be who you came to enjoy.
Closer and closer the birthday approaches and I am worried I will not do what I have set out to do. May the universe hear my song, a song of liberation, a song of jubilee. May I not willingly be bound again to needless chains. May I bring you light and hope always.
I tend to become everything you may need if I am able to help you along your journey, within reason, but it's time for me to move along my own journey for a while without being weighed down.
I have been back in Columbus for almost 2 years now and in that time, I have had to put up with a lot through the recovery process and with different relationships. People that I once considered friends are now barely people I once met.
Probably the worst of it all was someone I considered a friend but after living with him, cannot stand his gaslighting and victim fragility... he's white so there's the whole white fragility argument that leads me to say victim fragility. He has constantly shamed my culture, done worse with my language, and worse for my community. The thing is, the community he has backstabbed time and time again keeps him around and embraces his unethical behavior, and while I have done nothing to the same effect, the community has chosen to not to deal with him and instead pushed me towards the outer margins where I am at a loss... not the only person that mistreats me, but I'm not here for any of them. I know what my mission is and they are not a part of it.
I dislike having to pay for others broken plates, as they say in Spanish and I have had enough with being yelled at for things that either were not my fault, or worse, did not even involve me at all. I have suffered enough in this world, until when will I need to be held accountable for other's mistakes that really have nothing to do with me? I allow people to assume the worse while it doesn't actually affect me, but it's gotten to the point where I'm actually affected by all of this.
I am looking for relief, not pity, or to run away from my responsibilities. Hopefully this is clear enough... and yes, if you know me, it is exactly who you might be thinking, but unlike him, I have actually spoken with him directly of the issues instead of blabbing all about town to third parties that have little to do with any of it. Sadly, at one point I did all I could to help him and considered him a friend, but now it is clear, he was only looking out for the gain he could attain. Since I stopped supporting his narcissism, I apparently became someone to beat around and accuse of his own mistakes... done with Alex. He does not get to engage with me unless it is necessary.
the #apologetic #steward of my #gifted #life
This month marks the 2 year anniversary of one of the most difficult recovery periods of my life. I lost 3 months worth of memories, so I don't exactly know what happened nor for how long... I had 2 almost consecutive strokes and flat lined for the 7th time.
I cannot express to you how much I know deep down that there is a God I believe in and that I am indeed loved. While flat lined several times, I have heard God's voice tell me I am loved and I am brought back every time... do I wish I stayed? well I don't ever want to come back, there's just no comparing the love in that moment to what people call living.
That has led me to a point in my existence where I no longer sit around tolerating abuse as much. I do take it, but not as much as I did before. To those I've lost because of their own choices, well, it was great spending time with you while we enjoyed each other. I am being more responsible with what I have been given and I'm not going to let others take what little joys I have.
Well it's been about 1 week into the new year and I'm still not done with 2020. Incidentally, I still have Christmas presents from 2019 I have yet to open. With the current state of things, I have not been able to be at peace though. I can't stand most reactions from people who are so aggressive to us POC, but sadly sometimes it is other POC that are the ones to blame. In my particular situation though, it is specific people that are so in your face about how great they are as people and hold what is called a white savior complex. I honestly cannot tolerate it any longer. The idea that I must hold someone in high esteem because I am told to do so... yeah nope.
In the words of someone recently complaining about me this "will not be tolerated". I am so sick of the gaslighting and emotional abuse in general and having to put up with it because I'm me. Sorry y'all don't get the same abuse, please hold the opinion and take a seat. Funny how with one specific roomate another person of a similar cultural background as mine, had similar issues... yeah I guess we are the problem because we are minorities and need to catch up and live the american dream ideals, including learning to love the abuse by our aggressors in the name of character building and/or assimilation.
Well it's been about 10 weeks... since the last time I wanted to keep up with this and it has been a whirlwind of a time. I quarantined with people who were positive for COVID-19 among other things. Incidentally, I have yet to be infected by the virus at this point.
As we close this year, I am reminded of how ungrateful I can be. I have been pretty fed up with the white savior complex among other toxic traits of western culture. Mostly I have come to question how much I am to blame for perpetuating this type of behavior and how haughty I have been in being "woke".
Some musings from the past month... 16.10.20
1st new post 15.10.2020
Well it's been a while, but I did away with the old blog and got a this Google Sites setup instead. Now this is my current new entry into the deep end.
It has been a very long time since I have posted anything and I'm currently working on both this: my personal page and blog section, and the other page with different crafts I come up with. The picture for this post is a TBT as today actually is Thursday... No real update for now as I'm trying to figure out how to work on Google Sites. It's basically a document from what I'm gathering, that could be almost any generic publication type of setting with the most basic of options.