Lately I have been in much more pain than normal. It seems that I forgot what the good life was and when it was gone, I was lost.
Thankfully, after 2 excruciating weeks of back pain, I'm not exactly going to say I'm much better, but finally a bit of respite from the physical pain.
EMOtionally, I'm a total mess. Winter is the worst part of the year for many reasons, but mostly around my birthday I'm most prone to be severely depressed and hate everyone. This year proved to be the worst experience yet.
I continue to strive to be a decent being, but sometimes, and rather rarely, I do end up being rather angry and will hate. Honestly, I'm glad to cut certain ties at this point, and I pray I will never have to endure certain people again.
I am out of the hospital, still SARS-CoV-2 free, so at least there's that. A year free from infection todah l'El!
My birthday is in just a few days and honestly, I could be done with this decade already and not be sad about it.
I cannot deal with anything at this moment... I'm in such a terrible state of physical and emotional pain, that I legit just want to give up, checkout, and more importantly check-in into a mental health hospital. Just need some relief, and anything will do at this point.
Anywho, if you are wanting to send me something for my birthday, my CashApp is:
just tell me you saw it on the blog.
Well it really has been an interesting beginning to 2021. I have been more aware and really... I know few in my life that are actually good to be around. Mostly I seem to have people that just take and take, mostly there for what I can get them. I really need to grow out of this.
If there is anything worth saving, it is the memories. We are all important to each other in some way, and whatever you have meant to me, I appreciate the opportunity to learn. What I have learned shapes me day to day, but at the base, there's really only one truth to who I am and will always be. I hope that my experience with you has not changed me at that level, for I would not be who you came to enjoy.
Closer and closer the birthday approaches and I am worried I will not do what I have set out to do. May the universe hear my song, a song of liberation, a song of jubilee. May I not willingly be bound again to needless chains. May I bring you light and hope always.
I tend to become everything you may need if I am able to help you along your journey, within reason, but it's time for me to move along my own journey for a while without being weighed down.
I have been back in Columbus for almost 2 years now and in that time, I have had to put up with a lot through the recovery process and with different relationships. People that I once considered friends are now barely people I once met.
Probably the worst of it all was someone I considered a friend but after living with him, cannot stand his gaslighting and victim fragility... he's white so there's the whole white fragility argument that leads me to say victim fragility. He has constantly shamed my culture, done worse with my language, and worse for my community. The thing is, the community he has backstabbed time and time again keeps him around and embraces his unethical behavior, and while I have done nothing to the same effect, the community has chosen to not to deal with him and instead pushed me towards the outer margins where I am at a loss... not the only person that mistreats me, but I'm not here for any of them. I know what my mission is and they are not a part of it.
I dislike having to pay for others broken plates, as they say in Spanish and I have had enough with being yelled at for things that either were not my fault, or worse, did not even involve me at all. I have suffered enough in this world, until when will I need to be held accountable for other's mistakes that really have nothing to do with me? I allow people to assume the worse while it doesn't actually affect me, but it's gotten to the point where I'm actually affected by all of this.
I am looking for relief, not pity, or to run away from my responsibilities. Hopefully this is clear enough... and yes, if you know me, it is exactly who you might be thinking, but unlike him, I have actually spoken with him directly of the issues instead of blabbing all about town to third parties that have little to do with any of it. Sadly, at one point I did all I could to help him and considered him a friend, but now it is clear, he was only looking out for the gain he could attain. Since I stopped supporting his narcissism, I apparently became someone to beat around and accuse of his own mistakes... done with Alex. He does not get to engage with me unless it is necessary.
the #apologetic #steward of my #gifted #life
This month marks the 2 year anniversary of one of the most difficult recovery periods of my life. I lost 3 months worth of memories, so I don't exactly know what happened nor for how long... I had 2 almost consecutive strokes and flat lined for the 7th time.
I cannot express to you how much I know deep down that there is a God I believe in and that I am indeed loved. While flat lined several times, I have heard God's voice tell me I am loved and I am brought back every time... do I wish I stayed? well I don't ever want to come back, there's just no comparing the love in that moment to what people call living.
That has led me to a point in my existence where I no longer sit around tolerating abuse as much. I do take it, but not as much as I did before. To those I've lost because of their own choices, well, it was great spending time with you while we enjoyed each other. I am being more responsible with what I have been given and I'm not going to let others take what little joys I have.
Well it's been about 1 week into the new year and I'm still not done with 2020. Incidentally, I still have Christmas presents from 2019 I have yet to open. With the current state of things, I have not been able to be at peace though. I can't stand most reactions from people who are so aggressive to us POC, but sadly sometimes it is other POC that are the ones to blame. In my particular situation though, it is specific people that are so in your face about how great they are as people and hold what is called a white savior complex. I honestly cannot tolerate it any longer. The idea that I must hold someone in high esteem because I am told to do so... yeah nope.
In the words of someone recently complaining about me this "will not be tolerated". I am so sick of the gaslighting and emotional abuse in general and having to put up with it because I'm me. Sorry y'all don't get the same abuse, please hold the opinion and take a seat. Funny how with one specific roomate another person of a similar cultural background as mine, had similar issues... yeah I guess we are the problem because we are minorities and need to catch up and live the american dream ideals, including learning to love the abuse by our aggressors in the name of character building and/or assimilation.
Well it's been about 10 weeks... since the last time I wanted to keep up with this and it has been a whirlwind of a time. I quarantined with people who were positive for COVID-19 among other things. Incidentally, I have yet to be infected by the virus at this point.
As we close this year, I am reminded of how ungrateful I can be. I have been pretty fed up with the white savior complex among other toxic traits of western culture. Mostly I have come to question how much I am to blame for perpetuating this type of behavior and how haughty I have been in being "woke".
Some musings from the past month... 16.10.20
1st new post 15.10.2020
Well it's been a while, but I did away with the old blog and got a this Google Sites setup instead. Now this is my current new entry into the deep end.
It has been a very long time since I have posted anything and I'm currently working on both this: my personal page and blog section, and the other page with different crafts I come up with. The picture for this post is a TBT as today actually is Thursday... No real update for now as I'm trying to figure out how to work on Google Sites. It's basically a document from what I'm gathering, that could be almost any generic publication type of setting with the most basic of options.